Me again. Lewy is asleep in his recliner. Pauline is in the hot tub. It seems I have been delegated to write something for posting tomorrow. We have discussed in earlier epistles of mine that Pauline and I have been married a long time. And much like going to college teaches one how to graduate from college, being married a long time teaches you how to stay married. And if you have been married a really long time, say thirty-one years, you have a fair idea how far you can push your luck.
So I HAVE to write something huh? Hmmmmmmmmm………..Let me think…………………
In the words of Red Skelton’s Mean Little Kid. “If I do’d it, I get a whippin’………………….I do’d it!”
Let me tell you a little about this family I married in to.
All families have their characters. My paternal grandparents are a Comedy Central Special all by themselves. He never drove faster than 35 MPH and she never drove slower than 50. When I was in High School her car was faster than both of the police cars in town. I know cause I drove one and was chased by the other. It was 327 2-barrel vs. 327 4-barrel and yes when I say “both” it means that there were only two police cars in town. “Granddaddy” on the other hand, well……………………… the windshield wipers on his car didn’t work because when he went to the car wash, he washed the car INSIDE and out. It seems electronics don’t go well with water, even if you own the car wash.
But Pauline’s family……….…mmmm……………...oh boy! Crazy with Cajun sauce on it.
First off, they are part Cajun, so they eat. I missed the heyday of the eating but I heard of it. At Thanksgiving they did not use plates; instead everyone got a platter. But it is not as bad as it sounds. They would each eat a platter of food but then they would go for a nice long walk. This allowed the body to prepare for the desert platter. The really Cajun part of the family, as do all good Cajuns, liked to eat fish. Her Cajun Grandmother used a line, pole and bait, but when that wasn’t working she would wade out into the swamp and just grab the damn fish!
Second off, they are part hillbilly so they love to fight. Her Hillbilly Grandmother and her Aunt once lived one house apart, a neighbor in-between. It seems that one day they got in such a fight that they stood in their respective front yards and hurled insults and kitchen utensils at each other over the demilitarized zone. (To be a “Fair Witness” here, I must confess that I bear on my forehead a scar made by a cast iron skillet. The skillet was thrown by a neighbor and I failed to catch it but, in my defense, we were tossing cast iron skillets as a game. Who would do such a thing in anger?)
Lewy is the son of the hillbilly. After growing up a dirt poor farmer and then seeing the world during WWII, Lewy became a salesman. And let me tell you he got good at it. Lewy didn’t just sell ice to Eskimos. He bought the ice from them, put wheels on it and sold it back to them as “portable ice”; at a profit, of course. I have told you that Lewy once ran Wobbly Box Sales, Inc. Well he once took a live hog as part of the deal on an RV. To this day he claims it was the best deal he ever made.
And then………………oh then………………….then there was Lewy’s sister. There was Aunt Eddie. There were some things I liked about her and some things I hated, but one thing was for sure. Aunt Eddie was f***ing nuts!
Aunt Eddie lived in a big house with that kind of old furniture that you didn’t want to sit on even if you had been allowed too. Her husband built commercial airplanes. His name is withheld because some of you may cras……….be flying on those planes. Aunt Eddie had this little gray poodle; the only animal in this world that I ever hated. I once lofted it across the room like a bowling ball. It bounced off the wall and was not hurt. I am still a bit disappointed.
Aunt Eddie was truly always bizarre but please do not take any of this as me ever making fun of her or anyone else. I love these people. Without them I would not have Pauline………………………even if she is f***ing nuts.
As I tell everyone I insult, “I kid you only because I like you. If I did not like you, you would know so by the absence of my voice”. In that spirit here are a few things that Aunt Eddie taught us:
“Oh it’s so hard………..I am allergic to sunshine and air.”
“I can‘t use this phone. It has the wrong language on it.”
“I never dial one or zero for long distance. They charge you for that.”
While telling us of days gone by………”There was a lot of people there. I didn’t know everybody’s name. I knew my name.”
“Did you know that there are more Chinese people in the United States now than there are white people?”
“You know there was a lot of people died of the bubonic plague before the civil war!” Aunt Eddie was a big fan of the Civil War.”
To the Doctor…………..”I don’t need no physical. They already cut everything out of me.”
“Oh………….I can’t have sex no more. I don’t have the knees for it.”
And then the classic. Aunt Eddie had some drastic surgery at one point and to help with the pain they put a subcutaneous (under the skin) morphene pump. At least so she said. One day she called asked Pauline to please come take her to the Emergency Room. Pauline obliged and when they arrived Eddie walked straight up to the front desk, lifted her sweater and pushed her abdomen out to display the slightly protruding pump. She looked the young nurse straight in the eye and declared “This here time machine is empty and I’m here to have it refilled.”
God Bless Em All. When I grow up I want to be f***ing nuts.