Hubbie here.
Saturday after my conversations with Lewy I had a fairly productive day. I prepared a delicious ground beef quiche for dinner and then I began work on Lewy Daddy’s closet. We must be honest with ourselves, Lewy is going to have no use for Daddy’s clothes. Pauline and I are honest about such things so Saturday afternoon I began the exploration of the closet. I don’t know how else to bring it to you except as a blow by blow account……….that will make sense later.
First let me say that old men are lousy at hanging up clothes. No shirts were buttoned and there were more pants on wire hangers than there were shirts on pants hangers. But there was cool stuff as well. Very cool stuff. There was a map of southern China and one of Taiwan printed on opposite sides of a piece of linen. We (meaning Pauline) noted that the printing was to save space and the linen was to avoid the map being damaged by water. The maps were marked “RESTRICTED” but we figure they are pretty safe now. (Just to be sure let’s keep that between us. Nobody tell Dick Cheney.)
I found enemy plane identification cards from WWII. They depicted Japanese planes. There were two views of each plane…….first..OMG they are coming at me….and second…..OMG they are on top of me. The cards formed a deck of playing cards but they had been pasted in a scrap book. Most of the cards had been torn out of the scrap book and only two pages remained. Upon seeing the cards Pauline remembered them and had to confess that as a child she had played with the cards so she was the one who tore them out of the book.
I found certificates where Daddy crossed the international date-line………….twice. I found copies of his discharge papers. (Several copies in fact. He always was a savvy camper.) There was his uniform name tag from the Navy. There was his dogtag. It was a simple single thin metal plate; nothing like what you see in the movies. Very cool stuff. All of the Navy stuff plus a couple of watches and a pocket knife went to Lewy’s grandson. Grandson is a “the third” so we call him Trey. Trey served in the first Gulf War. Daddy was very proud. He was even happier when Trey returned.
I cleaned up the Yamaha keyboard. I loosened the strings a bit on the three acoustic guitars to relieve the stress on the neck. Daddy was a self taught picker and quite good. I know enough chords to play a few songs (that’s a requirement to live in Nashville) so I’ll hang on to one guitar.
So I hung up all the shirts and straightened the pants. I sorted out the thirty-seven pairs of suspenders, eight pairs of shoes (yes one pair was white) and the four cowboy string ties. That stuff will go to Goodwill. If they ship it to a Florida store it will probably sell well. Where else are you going to sell a pair of dress short pants. I swear, pressed black wool shorts with bright brass fittings. The only thing missing was they weren’t cuffed. There was a tuxedo shirt too. I’ll bet you money he wore them together.
Sorting out the boxes of photo albums and souvenirs of cruses and vacations I came across a box that puzzled me. It was not a box from the distant past. It was obviously fairly new, not more than three or four years old. It was 4” by 10” by 12”. Large letters on the outside read “Vacuum Therapy System.”
“What in the world it this?”
“It must be medical but I’ve never seen it before.”
I turned the box in my hands.
ACME medical technologies, inc.
I opened the box and found what appeared to be a traveling case. Inside the case was a large plastic cylinder and a toothpaste-like tube. The label on the tube read “Personal Lubricant”.
WHAT!?!
I opened the instruction booklet and…………..OMG.
It’s a penis pump!!!!
Seven thousand thoughts surged through my mind. Sixty-five “Oh My God”s. Two Thousand Seven Hundred “Has it been used?”s. Three Thousand Four Hundred and Thirty “ Did it get washed afterward?”s. And then another Eight Hundred and Five “Oh My God”s.
Then I started laughing.
Of course I shared the story and the contents of the box with Pauline and we both laughed.
Then I got curious.
No not that way!!!!! OMG!!!! I’d have to sterilize it first.
No. It was this way. I Googled for the product in question and I found it.
The “ACME External Battery Vacuum Therapy System is available for sale NOW ON SALE WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION!”
No Prescription Required!............You mean I don’t have to have my Doctor say that it is OK to have a machine su….uhhhmmmmmmmm………..perform oral sex on me!???!!...............A MACHINE!!!!.....................a battery operated vacuum cleaner!!!…………a nutbuster!!
Thank God………….I thought maybe Bush had finally gone too far.
I learned on the website that the contents of the box included the pump, the lubricant, and an instructional video. Hmm! There was no video in the box in the closet. Hmmm.. I never saw Daddy use ours or any other VCR. Someone else had to have done it for him. A girlfriend? No doubt a close girlfriend. Maybe even a little kinky since she seems to have kept the video. Hey! Maybe after watching the instructional video they didn’t need the pump.
There was other fun info on the site.
“new combined pump and cylinder for one-hand operation”
Well, after all, that is the traditional method.
“sleek, angled shape for better, more comfortable grip”
Comfort is important. Not so sure about that angle thing though.
“new contoured cylinder with finger grooves for easy transfer of tension ring”
Tension Ring? Tension Ring!!?? Transfer of Tension Ring!!??!!!!???
Trust me when I say I that I will not be trying this machine on for size. The instructions are as follows:
Step 1
A tension ring is loaded on the vacuum cylinder. The cylinder is then placed over the penis.
Step 2
Hand pump removes air from cylinder to create a vacuum. This causes the penis to become fully engorged and erect.
Step 3
Tension ring is slid to base of penis to maintain erection, vacuum is released and the cylinder is removed.
Read step 3 again……………. Yeap that’s what it said. The penis in question is now a balloon. Do you suppose that when the balloon is released it makes that raspberry noise of a balloon flying around the room?
Hmmm………you know….that might be the best part.
Then there was this rather disturbing thing on the web site. I know they sell other products but this seemed really out of place…………………………………………………
"Save 10% on a great present for Mom on Mothers Day!" Complete with flowers and butterflies.
4 comments:
Anonymous said...
That was by far the best one. Now I got images that just won't leave my, pardon the pun, head.
Hubbie's P.C.
pearose said...
I know there is yet another Dick Cheney joke in there somewhere, but I'm backing waaayyy off!
I wonder if Goodwill will ship that to Florida, too. Perhaps as an accessory with the tux shirt and dress shorts?
Anonymous said...
Stella here. This is why I spend my time discarding. Oh! The trail we leave behind. I have been discarding things and also, as with Mr Daddy's war time cards, I have found that I did not keep the valuable and sentimental mementoes that S/SGT. Edward sent home. I was taking care of a family and if a child found a treasure to play with, I didn't stop her or him. Too bad. I am trying to get things in a semblance of order for the kids to enjoy. I hope I keep and throw away the proper things. I can only imagine the things Edward would have accumulated had I gone on before him. Our children would probably have had a field day going through his closet!
Karen said...
Hi Pauline and Hubby,
Karen here. Don't forget to keep the discharge papers to show the funeral home. Then you get a free flag to drape his casket. When my dad died, as I recall, there was also a veteran's benefit toward the funeral/casket. I think it might have been $200.00. 13 years ago, so don't remember perfectly. Dad was a tail gunner on a B-24 out of New Guinea. He also crossed the International Date Line on a ship when he came home. I always liked the certificate with the illustration of King Neptune on it. Mom contacted the VFW and 3 or 4 old veterans came to Dad's graveside service and fired off a salute after a recording played taps. It was very touching. Mom sent the VFW $100.00 donation afterward. I think dad was a member, though he never went to the lodge.
Funny essay, Hubbie, on the vacuum pump.
Hang in there. I think of the three of you each day.