As Pauline noted in the blog header yesterday, the post today is my version on the day’s events on Saturday. She looked over my shoulder Sunday and saw what you are about to read. Laughing she patted my shoulder and said, “I just wrote about that.” We both laughed knowing that both versions had to be posted. I did not read her post until I finished mine. I went back and made one small edit in the conversation I had written upon her return. No other words were harmed in the editing of this post.
So without further adieu
Hubbie here. I was a bad boy yesterday.
And it worked!!
Yeeeeehhhaaaaa!!!!!!
As all three regular readers know, Lewy is currently sleeping in his recliner until the sores on his feet heal. We are planning to get an institutional sleeping chair so that the sores don’t come back. Also maybe with a motor to help get him out of the chair. Funny how little stuff like that makes you feel guilty. Why is that? I mean we, meaning Pauline, works hard to keep Lewy at home and in our particular plane of existence. Why should we feel bad for thinking it is hard work and we would rather not do it? Sleeping in a chair is not that uncomfortable is it? Why do we feel like we are cheating him out of his bed? Why? Because we are human beings; that’s why. You can blame whoever you want, God, Mother Nature, Ka, Phi, Zeus, or the Giant Spaghetti Monster. It don’t matter. That’s just the way it is (© Bruce Hornsby).
So today is Saturday. I slept till 8:00. MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. Pauline had showered and was ready to walk the dogs when I got up. I made coffee, poured myself a cup and………….you know……....did all that morning stuff. Pauline had a date with a girl friend so she was dressed and out the door by 10:30. I dressed and breakfasted on leftover ground beef quiche. (It was quite good and easy to make. Let me know if you want the recipe.) Then I cleaned up the kitchen. At no time during these activities did either Pauline or I make any attempt to be quiet. Despite the noise Lewy slept on. This is unusual because Lewy, like most 84 year olds, tends to wake up as soon as it is not dark outside. That way they can breakfast and be ready for their morning nap by 9 AM.
Around 10:20 it dawned on me that Lewy was still asleep and Pauline was about to leave. When Lewy woke he would need to be cleaned and changed. Since he had been asleep for about 14 hours now there was likely to be a significant amount of cleaning. The parts that would need cleaning were parts that I would prefer not to associate with. He may have dipped them in cold water in the past but by now the boys were no doubt fully coated in elder pee; probably worse.
“Pauline, shouldn’t we get your Daddy up before you leave?”
“I have to go now.”
“Can’t you be a little late?”
“No dear.” She kisses me and is out the door.
“Oh bother.” (© Pooh )
10:30 AM. Lewy was sleeping soundly and snoring loudly. I retired to the office to work on my music collection. I have several Radio Hubbie collections that need cover art. The music was playing but not too loud. There was a b-ball game on TV but not too loud. I knew what I’d have to do when Lewy woke but I saw no reason to force it to happen.
12:30 and Lewy was still snoring away. I made myself some lunch and considered waking Lewy to see if he was hungry. I did not consider that option for long. You see, I had to walk by Lewy sleeping in his chair to get to the kitchen. He had an aura about him but this particular aura was not detectable by my eyes. It was an olfactory aura. As I passed his chair, my brain confirmed that I would not be singing “Happy Happy Joy Joy” (© Ren and Stimpy) when Lewy awoke.
1:30. Lewy was still sawing big ol’ logs. I began to think…………………….. Pauline was having lunch. That should be over by now. I’m thinking I might just get out of this.
2:30. Lewy was sleeping but not so soundly now. The TV’s on mute. I’m using the headphones for the music. I’m not a total ass. I have the headphones pulled off of one ear in case Lewy calls………………Or the phone rings……………. Or the smoke alarm goes off…………..Or someone pulls up in the driveway….… I have to stop all of those things in a hurry lest they wake Lewy. No sign of Pauline. She did say something about walking around the park. But still………..
3:00. Damn! Where is that woman? She must have gone to the grocery. I began to calculate times in my head. An hour for lunch; maybe an hour and a half; maybe a short walk. She must be at the grocery. Damn!
3:30. Lewy just stirred but he didn’t open his eyes. I’m wearing two pairs of socks to make sure my feet make no noise when I walk. I have spoken to the dogs about their behavior; basically the deal was “You bark, You die!” Tweak understood. Lila just tried to lick my face.
3:45. Where the hell is that woman?! She knows what’s waiting inside those pants! Lewy is sleeping but doing so very lightly. I’ve put the cat outside. I am moving only when absolutely necessary. By now it must have soaked into the recliner. I really don’t want to have the impending experience. I feel a bit bad knowing that if I get my wish, then Pauline will have to do the nasty. (© Emilio Estevez)
3:53. The dogs are barking. They are running to the door! It’s her!!! I MADE IT!!!! (Insert evil laugh.)
3:54 “Let me help you with those my dear. Oh, by the way, your father is still asleep.”
“……………..”
”No he has been asleep since you left.”
“……………..”
”Yeah, that’s about 18 hours.
”…..”
”Yes that is unusual.”
“…………………..…..”
”Don’t worry. I’ll take care of the groceries.”
I carried groceries from the car to the kitchen with a smile on my face. I knew I might have to clean the chair but I also knew I wouldn’t have to clean the boys. I really was sorry Pauline that had to do it; just not that sorry. I mean, at least she is related to the boys by blood. When I said “I do” all those years ago, I wasn’t counting them as part of the deal. In fact I can very honestly say that up until the last couple of years, I had not thought of them at all.
So Pauline cleaned up her Dad. And yes it was a bad as you think.
Pauline went out again that evening to party with some high school classmates. Lewy and I watched some TV. He napped some more. I made a nice orange/pineapple/honey/chicken dish for supper. I felt like I owed Lewy something. Pauline came home. We chatted. She got Lewy ready for the night. We slept.
Guess what.
It turns out that even at 84, if you sleep eighteen hours in a row, you tend to wake up a bit early the next morning. In this case 3:47 in the morning. And guess what. Lewy had to pee. Since it was now 3:51 in the morning my initial response was, “OK. Have at it. That’s what the diapers are for.” It seems that when awaked at 3:47 AM I’m an asshole for, at least, the first 5 or 10 minutes. Who knew?
So I got Lewy up to go pee. He headed to the bathroom. I headed to the couch.
From the bathroom I heard, “You know where the clean drawers are?”
I got up and went to Lewy.
“Why?”
”These are wet.”
”Well then why the he…………………………..OK……………….You go pee and I’ll find the clean ones.”
I got the pee scissors and cut Lewy’s underpants off and he shuffled to the commode. (The proper term is “watercloset”, but Pauline tells me most of you don’t know that. I tell her that all three readers are architects or work for one. She gives me that look. I remember that I have been married for 30+ years, at least in part, because I know not to point out that I am correct. It’s been 30 years. She should know that by now.)
Where were we?
Oh yeah. Lewy peed and we changed his underpants. We also changed his outerpants. It seemed that someone had peed on them too. And for those of you who, like me, never gave it much thought before, let me point something out. You know those nasty boys (© Janet Jackson) I managed to avoid yesterday? Well here I was at 4:30 in the morning bending over in front of Lewy to pull on his pants, under and outer in one swoop. That reduced the amount of time the view lasted but could not prevent the fact that I was eyeball to nut ball with the boys.
At least they were clean. Well sort of. At least cleaner than they were before.
4:37 AM. Lewy is changed and dry. The cat has come in to watch the show and is now curled up on the couch. I grab Lewy’s blanket and cover him as he reclines.
“You need anything else?”
Lewy puts out his hand. I take his hand. He shakes my hand.
“Thank you.”
“My pleasure Daddy. You holler if you need anything.”
“OK.”
5:53 AM. And from the room of the recliners and the couch I hear, “MMm,..GG……Pauline?.......ugh…..pulene………..?” But again Pulene didn’t wake up. I did. I crawled out of bed and found my bathrobe and went to Lewy.
“What’s up?”
“She said we had to be ready to go in 20 minutes and that was a half hour ago.”
“Who did?”
“She did.”
“You must have been dreaming. I’m going back to bed.”
“So what time do we leave for the doctor?”
”It’s Sunday. You are not going to the doctor.”
“I’m not?”
“No. Go back to sleep now. I’m going back to bed.”
“OK.”
So I crawled back in bed as the sunlight starts to beam though our bedroom window. The light shone over my face but that is not what kept me awake. It was that damn song. “Do your boys hang low? Do they waggle to and fro?.................”. Finally the sunlight moved on, the dogs settled down and I drifted off to sleep. I dreamed that I could see inside Lewy. Inside I could see Daddy slapping his knee and smiling at me.
“Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?”
2 comments:
pearose said...
I was actually looking forward to reading this post, given it's advance 'teaser' yesterday. With the emphasis on 'looking', since all three of your readers (doubt it!) are in the design business, please know that we get the picture - we're very visual. So, neither of you are truly alone when becoming more acquainted...LOL.
Hey Hubbie,
Given that Lewy reached out to you to Thank You, do you think it is possible that he stayed in his recliner on Saturday to wait on Pauline, too? He may have remembered your earlier conversation with him years ago when you kept talking about those ball bearings....
3rd Wife said...
ah, sweet karma...
ok Hubbie...I take back the things I said about you yesterday..