After struggling with Lewy to get an egg and some tomato juice down for his breakfast, I gave him a good dose of his pain meds so Hubbie and I could clean him up and change his dressings.
It seems that whenever I give him the pain meds, he starts rolling his covers up in that daily cigar. Lewy rolled his sheet into a very tight precision roll. I could not have done a better job of getting a tight roll even with my best effort. Lewy twisted the covers, stared at the ceiling, and mumbled to the people he saw flying over his bed.
When the meds kicked in enough to relax him, he let go of the covers, and raised his hand up and out in front of him, and felt of things, slapped at them, made swimming motions, and pointed up at the ceiling fan. There is something about the fan that has captured his interest; unfortunately, I can’t position him in the room where he doesn’t see it, except for having him face away from us toward the wall.
Finally, he began to sleep. Hubbie and I sanitized our hands gloved up for the procedure of redressing his feet. I removed the right boot and peeled the old dressing off. Daddy howled…I looked up and asked if that hurt, but he appeared to be asleep again before I could finish the question.
We went about our duties of dressing both feet, changing the hoses, replacing the Y connector, and restarting the pump……Success! No leaks…As we were putting the boots back on, I noticed that Daddy has developed another pressure sore on his right foot. This one could only have been made by having the boot up against his little toe. I don’t see that the heels are getting any better, no worse, but not better.
We rolled him over and changed his diaper. This is not so easy. Even with as much weight as he has lost, he’s still a heavy man. Hubbie pulled him over toward him so I could wipe his bottom, and clean him up. His tail bone area is broken open now with a pair of bed sores on each side of his spine. He doesn’t complain of pain…but it has to hurt. No wonder he always has a frown on his face.
After we finished rolling him around, he fell fast asleep and slept for about 6 hours. As is somewhat normal with Lewy’s he acts out his dreams. Hubbie calls it “conducting”. I sat and watched him for a while. His face is sunken in noticeably more than it was week ago, and his arms have grown thin. He kept trying to sit up; reaching up and attempting to lift his head. He managed a stiff upper body lift, but his head was not following. He could barely get his head to lift at all.
I end up crying when I watch him this way. He is so weak and frail. It seems I’m grieving in reverse. When Momma dropped dead the shock was overwhelming. I cried and cried. Every time I found myself alone the tears would flow. Everyday for a long time, then I realized there was a day I did not cry. Gradually those days crept in and became the norm. This is just the opposite; it started out with a few tears here and there, but is ending up with daily crying sessions, several of them. As each day passes it seems they come more often.
I wonder if this means that by the time Lewy beats Daddy, if I will be through crying.
Maybe; just maybe. By then, I suspect Daddy will have been gone for a good while, and it will only be the end of Lewy.
Funny how now that it is time for Lewy the Unwelcome Guest to leave, I don’t want him to go.
2 comments:
Stella said...
I think you have the right idea about "Grieving in Reverse". Never deny your grief. To deny your grief would be to deny your love of the whole Daddy. The Daddy who loved you enough to be strict and stern when he tried to be a good daddy. When you came to him, he had no instruction sheet to go by [for raising you] no more than you have an instruction sheet to deal with caring for him. You both have done the best you can and its left up to you to tie up all the loose ends. The angels are with you.
oldfriend said...
Wow Stella, well written! And Pauline, days rambling is right on. Just remember tears are a gift.