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Last night as the soup we were going to have for dinner was warming up, Lewy woke up in his Lazy Boy and started his normal unintelligible mumbling. Hubbie, bless his heart, knew I was just worn out with Lewy, so he went to see what was up.
As normal Lewy was confused. He wasn’t real sure where he was or what was going on. He asked where I was; only he called me by my Mother’s name. He does this a lot, and has for all my life from time to time. I know he means me, and I just go with it. Unfortunately Hubbie was not so keen to this mis-calling of my name.
When Lewy asked Hubbie where Momma was, Hubbie said “She’s dead Lewy.” There was silence for 15 seconds or so, and then Lewy asked “When did this happen?” “Several years ago”. At this point, I knew I better get in there fast. I got up from my normal roosting spot at the computer and went in. When Lewy saw me, he burst into tears.
Daddy, I’m OK. I’m fine.
“When did you die?”
“I’m not dead Daddy; Hubbie thought you were asking about Momma. I’m fine”. By now Daddy was in full out loud crying with huge tears running down his face. He still seemed afraid of what was next.
“Well, when did I die?”
“You aren’t dead Daddy, you are fine, and I’m fine.”
“But where’s Momma?”
“She died almost eleven years ago, Daddy.” He started crying harder. He had apparently forgotten that Momma was gone. This was the first time I had ever seen him cry like this. In his old age he tears up occasionally when he thinks about WWII and friends he lost, but Lewy managed to hold it together when my brother died, when my niece, Lewy’s Grand Daughter died, and when Momma died. I know that he grieved, he just was raised to be a man and not to let it show.
I reached over to hug Daddy and tell him everything was OK. He put his arms around me and sobbed. For me, this is very difficult. As Lewy was reared to never show emotion, I’ve never been hugged (except for hellos and goodbyes when they lived in Florida) and I certainly have never heard “I love you” from my Dad. But at that moment, I felt loved. He was still so very upset that I was dead. At least I knew he cared about me. By now I was crying too.
Lewy then looked right at me and said “I didn’t know you were dead”.
We got him up to go sit at his spot at the kitchen counter to have his soup. He was OK for a few minutes, and then suddenly started crying again. “When did I die?”. Are we all dead?
No, Lewy not yet.
He cried the entire time he was having his soup and cornbread. Then, “What happened to Momma’s body?” “We cremated her and buried her ashes along side [my brother], and [his daughter.]”
“Good. That’s what Momma wanted.”
1 comment:
Hubbie said...
Wow. That was a tough one to read.