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This is one of those mornings. The kind that I wish I could go back to bed and start the day all over again.
It’s Saturday. For most; their day off. For me; not so much. Although Hubbie is very good about most things, the one thing he does not understand is how to be f****** quiet. I can normally get up and have a bit of time, lately several hours, before Lewy starts complaining.
This morning, I walked the dogs, and as soon as I opened the door to come back inside, Lewy is hollering “Pauline” Pauline, “PAULINE!!!!!” Each time louder and louder.
I mentioned before I don’t have children. This constant PAY ATTENTION TO ME--- RIGHT NOW….NOW….NOW, is driving me crazy. Would some one please just shoot me? My head is splitting open. My neck is so stiff I can’t turn my head.
I went to see what the problem with Lewy was. “Unmunum take unmmm num hospital.” “What’s the matter Daddy?” “Uunnuummnumnumn” . “I can’t understand what you are saying.” “I want to unumnumm to the hospital.” Why Lewy? Why do you want to go to the hospital?
“I want to go to the hospital!!!”…..Why, what’s the matter?”
“I’m hurtin’. I want to go to the hospital.”
“No, Daddy, I’m not taking you to the hospital. You are fine. Do you want to get up or stay in bed a while?”
“I want to go see the doctor.”
“It’s Saturday, Daddy, they aren’t there.”
“Well you can call ‘em can’t you?”
“No Daddy, it’s Saturday, they are not there.”
“Well call them anyway.”
I started to say no, they are not there again, but what is the point? I’ve been trying to train myself to not attempt reason or logic with him because Lewy just doesn’t have that ability any more. Oh and don’t dare ask a question that requires more thought than "what do you want?”.
Maybe I’m just trying not to talk to him at all.
The circular “conversations”, the people, all the people…Oh how I wish they would go away.
I cut Lewy’s diapers off of him and got him in to the bathroom to pee. He did his business and started out of the bathroom. (A good day for walking; much better than yesterday). Lewy finally made the long toddle into his bedroom to have me pull off his pee shirt, wipe him down, and dress him.
“Where do you want me?”
Sit on the bed so I can put your pants on you.
“Can’t you do that with me here?”
“No Daddy, I can’t put your pants on you while you are standing up.”
“Where do you want me?”
“I.....want.... you.... to .....sit .....on.... the ....bed.... so.... I ....can .....put .....your ....pants ....on.... you”.
By now, I’m sitting on Lewy’s side chair with my head in my hands crying. I’m loosing it. I can’t control myself anymore. The feeling is so very similar to the way I felt back in college when I was teetering on having a nervous break down. Of all the things in my life, that was the scariest. I knew I was on the edge of a mental abyss; always fighting to not fall into the canyon.
I imagine that's where Lewy is, just fighting to stay "here".
Hubbie apparently could tell from the other room that something was amiss. He came into Lewy’s room, took the diapers out of my hand and started trying to get Lewy to the bed. I had to get up and leave the room.
As for me, I’m sitting here at the computer sobbing. I can’t help it. I’m trying not to. But it doesn’t stop; I just keep on crying, and crying.
After Hubbie got Lewy dressed, he came in to offer comfort and tell me everything will be OK. Bless him again and again.I have to go into the office to work now.
It’s amazing how the office has become a treasured place to go. A place with normal people. Even if it is Saturday.