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Hubbie here and it’s been a most interesting weekend. Pauline has educated you on living with Lewy Body. I believe on at least one occasion she has mentioned dealing with Lewy’s shit. Literally. To be honest I don’t think the shit thing is a disease related thing.
Don’t all the elderly people you know seem to take an inordinate interest in their shit? Literally. Seriously, I’m getting on up there and the older I get the more attention I seem to pay to my solid emissions.
When you are little kid you dropping your load in the correct place at an opportune time was something you had to learn. You got rewarded for it. You got to sit on the big porcelain throne. You had to jump to get up there but at least the splash factor was better than that little plastic sauce pan set into the weird little chair. In your teen and young adult years it becomes a game. How long can I keep this turd going? Can I make two full loops around the bowl before it breaks? That wasn’t just me was it?
You have learned from Pauline that in Lewy’s case we can experience turds off exceptional girth. What she did not tell you is that we have also experienced turd plating. It appears that in Lewy’s world there is some weird Turd Network show called Iron Shit where aroma is worth 10 points, size is worth 10 points and presentation is worth 5 points.
Well, one weekend Lewy was apparently in a tight race with the Iron Shitter. Lewy’s turd aroma was “old conger de jour”. The size was the usually “Oh My God” portion. Now he had to go for maximum presentation points.Let’s go back to old people and bowels a’moving voices a’telling. The older we get, the more it seems to come up in conversation. The more it comes up the more graphic the details get.
In Lewy’s case it gets graphic. I mean really graphic. I mean ………….are you sitting down? Do you have some Pepto handy? OK. Here goes.
Lewy, in his mind, has occasional constipation.
In my mind, the fact that his toilet clogs once a week is evidence to the contrary but Lewy’s ass is connected to Lewy’s brains so my opinion is inconsequential. It seems, in fact, that Lewy feels that his ass must, on occasion be emptied manually. Trust me when I say that this concept has never occurred to you. This one has never occurred to Big Gay Al.
When Lewy feels constipated he asks for a tea spoon. Yeah. The long handled spoons.
Yeah……………… Long handled so you can guide it up your ass. Yeah……….…………….so you can scoop your shit out. Yeah, that’s what I said, ‘Scoop out your shit’. Welcome to our world. And let’s be really clear here, in Our World there is only one teaspoon. If you need to evenly distribute the ingredients in the iced tea you are going to drink then put your hand over the glass and shake it. For God’s sake don’t use the spoon!
Now comes the fun part. When Lewy scoops the shit out of his ass with the long handled tea spoon he doesn’t put it in the toilet. He molds the essence of turd into 4 ounce filets and plates them along the rim of the tub next to the commode. It really is a most fascinating thing. That is if you can get past the smell. Luckily for me Lewy is Pauline’s Dad. I only have to grade for presentation.
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Comments:
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Raffcons said...
I have not laughed so hard in a LONG time! Thank you .. nice to know I'm not the only one wondering how the shit got from you-know-where to god-knows-where. And great to know others living with Lewy can find the laughs in it -- we were starting to think there was ghoulishly wrong with us. Looking forward to future posts!